You Can Only Control You!

I want to go back on the marriage train. Last week we discussed the 7 year itch and “80/20” rule. I even made a statement that my husband gives me 80% of what I need and the other 20% I get from me. I thought about this statement a lot this week and I can’t even put a percentage on it. I also didn’t include God in that false percentage when He provides me everything I need and that includes the gift of my husband. So I just needed to clear that up.

Now I am sure you have said or hear this phrase before… I love you but right now I don’t like you. I know I have said it. And it makes me think of my week last week. You see, just because I am a certified relationship coach, doesn’t mean I easily take my own advice or coaching. My expectations weren’t communicated to my husband. He failed. Those failed expectations turned into me getting frustrated and every little offense was instantly bigger to me. I found myself forgetting that the only person I can control is myself. I was sleeping horribly, felt tired, and moved along being OK with holding this grudge on him. And I was the only one suffering because of this.

So this weekend we received news that a Deputy in my husbands dept passed away. As a police wife myself, I feel physical heartache when something like this happens and even more when it is so close to home. In that exact moment, I forgot about the failed expectations and forgave them. I went from a bitter wife to a thankful wife. Thankful that my husband was coming home. Still feeling sorrow for the Deputy’s family, but thankful for mine. Thankful I did not need to break any horrible news to our 3 girls. He went to sleep while I was at work that evening. When I came home, I snuck into bed trying not to wake up.

He snores yall…. He can fall asleep in a New York minute, and it takes me 20-30+ minutes to start to fall asleep. If you sleep next to someone who can fall asleep in an instant and you struggle to get to sleep, then I know you feel me right now. Add snoring to that…. Wide eyes staring at the ceiling while every noise from his nose moves through my body…

This night was different for me however. No I couldn’t magically fall right asleep. I wish. Instead, I lay there, thanking God that I get to hear his snoring and instantly, the sound that would drive me crazy and probably will again, was comforting and I was thankful to hear it. It didn’t pierce my body or keep me awake. This is also the same for the sound of loud Velcro early in the morning. Unless you understand what that sound means to the spouse of a LEO, then it would probably be extremely inconvenient for you to wake up to it. It is a sound I have come to love. It means he is home and safe.

So, what changed from that Friday morning to that evening? An external factor reminded me that the only person I can control is myself and my attitude starts with my reactions to things out of my control. I changed how I was reacting from being in an emotional state into a growing state. I could stay mad at my husband for something he didn’t even know he did or didn’t do. Or I could pray about it, forgive it, and move past it. I need to get better at communicating my expectations to avoid disappointment but please don’t forget, disappointment will happen again. I play a key role in what I get disappointed in. In our pain and upset, we often blame instead of finding out why we react the way we are. We forget only we control our responses.

Use these moments in life that you go through with your significant other to be learning lessons on how to grow through life together instead of going through life together. Work on getting better and not bitter. Still struggling with this concept? Email me at and let me know what you are currently going through.

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